Chapter 26: And the shame was on the other side
I tried to get comfortable in my quarters aboard the Darrex destroyer. Not an easy task, since the room consisted of little more than four walls, a cot, and a mirror. On the cot was where I sat, and I rolled up my right sleeve, pushing it up to my shoulder. It always amazed me how real the synthetic skin felt. It had the bumps, the little blemishes, hair, the works. Still, it was fake. The sensations I got from it were something almost like feeling. The nerve induction technology they used was imperfect, and it just didn't affect my brain the same way as the real deal. What concerned me now was that the sensations were occasionally not being felt at all. I ran a full systems check, since I hadn't done that in a while, and got more or less the answers I expected: significant damage due to physical trauma and multiple vacuum exposures. I couldn't be too upset, since a regular person would have died under the same circumstances. I engaged the self-repair system, and it spit out a bunch of information about mineral requirements. I'd have to take in a lot more nickel and copper. The shunt going into my digestive tract would extract what it needed and use it to enact repairs. I scanned my bare arm with my false eye in non-visual bands, looking for any hidden damage. Some of the imitation nerve endings were fried, damaged by vacuum exposure. I sighed and flexed my artificial fingers. I tried to feel the servos and hydraulics flexing and pumping in my forearm, looking for any stickiness, any failures. Their response was delayed but it did come. I flexed for a couple minutes to loosen them up, hoping that would be enough. I knew I was overdue for maintenance, especially considering my recent damage. The self-repair system could only do so much.
A knock came at my door. I got up and tapped the button that opened it. Jeremiah was standing there, looking like he had something on his mind. I sat back down on my cot. "What's up?" I asked, scanning my arm again.
"I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. I blacked out so fast, I don't even remember what happened. But I know it was my fault, so I also wanted to apologize to you. I almost got you killed." Poor kid looked like he was about to cry.
I put on a smile. "Hey, don't sweat it. You did fine. I didn't catch it, either, so I'm just as responsible. Mines are touchy even on a good day. Just learn from it and move on. We're both alive to screw up again someday."
He almost cracked a grin but he was obviously quite bothered, still. He sighed and sat down near the middle of the cot, slouching forward. "I don't think my father is so forgiving. He's barely spoken to me since it happened. And Mom's in a bad mood, and I know it's because she's pissed at him it happened in the first place."
"You guys are outlaws, danger kind of comes with the territory. I'm sure they know that."
"Yeah, but this wasn't like evading police or sneaking onto a station to steal fuel. It was deadly combat, and I feel like I just didn't live up."
True, that might have been part of it, but he was missing the big picture: "I don't think your parents really grasped just how bad a situation we were going into, and they're probably beating themselves up over the fact that they almost lost you because of it."
"If they're that worried about me, why didn't they leave me back on Darrex?"
"Would you have wanted them to?"
"Well, no, but..." He bit his lip and didn't seem to know what he wanted to say.
"Jeremiah, this mission is more dangerous than defending Darrex. A lot more dangerous, in my estimation. If it looks like it's about to go south, we'll turn back."
"Why would we do that? You didn't quit when you fought the Cranions. You kept going until you beat them."
"And a lot of people died in the process. If you or your parents aren't ready to accept that fact, then I don't see how we can succeed. This ends up just being a little vacation."
"No, I don't want that... I want to do what we came out here to do. We're going to kill Korath, right?"
"That's the plan. I said we won't all make it back, and I meant it. If we go through with this, there's going to be loss. There's going to be setbacks. I don't know what we'll find when we get to their homeworld, but I'm sure it won't be a walk in the park. You need to be prepared to fight for your life. Your life, Jeremiah. The only one you have. If you aren't up to it, we can put you on the corvette and send you home. I'm not going to ask you to do something you don't want to do."
"No, you're right. I don't know what my problem is. I just want to do the right thing."
"And you will, but no one can tell you what it is."
He stood up. "Thank you, Captain Maxwell," he half-whispered. He tried to respectfully salute me, although he really fucked it up. Oh well. At least he tried. He went for the door.
"Whatever you decide," I said, "you'd better do it soon. There'll be no going back if we get much deeper into their territory."
"I understand. I will." And then he was gone.
It occurred to me for the first time what made me different from them: they thought of each other as real human beings. Not vague, abstract concepts of humanity, not numbers on a troop strength report, but family. I liked to think of my crew as family, but did I, really? Did I shed any tears when Admiral Sellis turned the Oolian Cruiser on them, wiped them out amid the darkness?
Chapter 26
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