'She' -- the bird noticed brown hair and an average height for a 'teenage' human being. And humans thought that birds were colourblind, the bird thought, amused, staring interestedly at the muddy jeans and green t-shirt she was wearing -- looked into the sky and peered between the clouds, which were partially obscured by the branches of the trees in the forest around her. The clouds, once fluffy-white, were now bearing down on them, dirty grey and oppressive. She tutted, a strange reaction for one as young as her. The bird squawked loudly and brought her back to earth with a crash.
Caught in a swirl of orange netting, the bird squawked in the clutches of a nearby holly bush. The girl turned towards it, suddenly concerned.
"Ok, sweetheart, I'll get it. Birds are normally Storm's thing, but you don't mind me do you?"
She didn't coo, but spoke as if the bird could understand her -- unusual, it noted -- and the bird gave a muffled chirp, girl began to untangle it from the netting.
"You think you're blimmin' Snow White, don't you?" said a voice, behind her, next to a large oak.
"Shut up Ash." She didn't even look around, her hands steady.
"Well, you do!"
"I do not!"
The bird rolled it's eyes as they began to bicker. Honestly, anything even remotely human... the bird thought grumpily as the girl carried on unravelling the orange stuff.
"Will you two shut up? I'm trying to shift weather here!" This new voice seemed to share the birds attitude.
This man -- tall, black hair, shorts and jacket made of what they call den-im the bird remarked, proud of itself -- was glaring morosely at the sky, in a clearing a little way off. His tone was unmistakeably annoyed.
"It's going to rain," the girl told the second man, her tone matter of fact. "No point even trying to shift it. Clouds behind it for over a hundred miles, right out to the sea."
"I don't care, Isla, it's not allowed to rain!"
The bird chirped in relief, and flew away, hopefully towards better places, clearer skies, and less arguing.
So it feels like I should probably explain.
This is my family - Well, kind of. Three quarters.
I have three brothers. I'm Isla, And they're Ash, Storm, and (I'm not kidding) Poseidon. Apparently Mum was delirious after giving birth to three of the four of us in one go.
Anyway, and this is going to sound like the beginning of a bad novel- We're the elements.
Ok, now the cheesey bit is out of the way I can explain.
It comes with the names. Basically, to keep the earth in balance there are four elements (Seriously, it gets better after this.) we all know them, I'm not going to say.
Anyway, the run down is I'm earth and you can fill in the gaps, names are a dead giveaway. It's too embarrasing to tell people.
So it kind of explains the bird not panicking, and the weather thing (we have a small power to negotiate with the weather, but Storm really is fighting a losing battle there.)
So yeah. I'm Isla.
Welcome to my life.
You should run this through a
I already told you I am intrigued by the premise here, you just need to work on the actual execution.
Good luck!
I see you fixed a few things.
oh i like this. the elements
the elements thing is pretty neat
XD
keep up the good work!!!
I like the way this starts off.
At least they're not crazy
At least they're not crazy demi-gods like the elementals I created.
That's a good thing.... a very good thing.
I feel this should have been longer, though... maybe with a bit more description. I really wasn't quite sure what was going on, where anyone was, or what anyone was doing. If you've got scenery, use it. You started out well, but then things just turned into Whitespace with some voices. I like knowing what the characters look like, and where they are, so paint us a picture.
I actually agree with aloria here.
I think That a description of the characters themselves might have been cool.
Im not convinced it would detract from the story if you described The gaps.
I think its a pretty good start though. It will be an interesting story indeed.
It could proably use another edit, some punctuation points and some spelling.
Specimin=specimen actually that was the only spelling I noticed......
But theres missing puntuation all over the place. Now I usually write a little puntuation heavy, so.......?
Im not an expert by any means. But I hope this helps.
The bird was not going
The bird was not going anywhere fast. That just reads a little awkwardly to me. You could change it 'The bird was going nowhere fast' even though it's a little overused, I feel it sits a little better on the page.
This kind of feels a little hollow, as if you should bring more life to it. I'm wondering if this is just an outline for something else, perhaps you're going to rework it into a longer piece.
"You think you're blimmin' Snow White, don't you?" Said a voice, behind her, next to a large oak.
"Shut up Ash." She didn't even look around, her hands steady.
"Well, you do!"
"I do not!"
"Do!"
"Not!"
"D-"
"Will you two shut up? I'm trying to shift weather here!"
All the "do's" here get annoying very fast, so restructuring is required here. You could show this bickering through desciption rather than speech, which would be less annoying. Always try to think how it looks on a page in a book, one word sentences, even employed during speech, look a little sparse. Also, the sudden change of character on the last sentence is a little disorientating, especially as you then start a new paragraph.
Another man....
Does not necessarily show that the last voice belongs to that man. So place the direction of the last voice directly, and in the same paragraph, after the speech.
And as a continuation, the speech "It's going to rain." is undirected, leaving the reader unsure as to who these words are aimed at.
It's a great concept. I like
'She' -- the bird noticed brown hair and an average height for a 'teenage' human being. And humans thought that birds were colourblind, the bird thought, amused, staring interestedly at the muddy jeans and green t-shirt she was wearing -- looked into the sky and peered between the clouds, which were partially obscured by the branches of the trees in the forest around her. The clouds, once fluffy-white, were now bearing down on them, dirty grey and oppressive. She tutted, a strange reaction for one as young as her. The bird squawked loudly and brought her back to earth with a crash.
It also needs more meat. As a chapter it's very short. Don't be afraid to describe. You have to remember as a writer you are the readers senses. Just because you can see it in your head like a movie doesn't mean they're going to get it, you have to put it on the paper for them. If your character is walking through a dark alley maybe you want to explain more than that, not to great detail everyone's seen a dark alley but that there is water puddling beneath their feet from the rain earlier that afternoon, or that the stench from the garbage cooking in the midday sun made their stomach flip. Something, human, something that makes a person understand the setting and have more than a dark alley. As Emeril likes to say “Kick it up a notch!” and “BAM!”
This is an interesting
The way you've written this first section does not really pull the reader into your story. As it stands, the constantly shifting viewpoints and choppy dialogue do not flow smoothly. I was advised by a publisher I approached with some of my writing, just for feedback (what do you know, they actually commented! *gasp*), that a story should play in your head like a movie. The readers should be able to essentially watch your characters interacting in their world, filling in things with their own imaginations. What you've written so far does not give us enough to chew on for this to happen, its very vague and disjointed.
Spelling and grammatical errors are also distracting (at least for me, an admitted English nazi!).
Work on it a bit, set it free and let it grow. I bet it could blossom into something amazing!
Fyn