Grease Monkeys

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I frowned and stepped forward, starring into the jungle of wheels and gizmos, unsure as I moved to wipe my oily face. My handkerchief was soiled enough that it only smeared more gasoline onto my face and I groaned. Mitch was giving me his Look again. God, I hated that look. The Look that said I wasn’t doing it right, that the thing-a-ma-jig didn’t go in the what-cha-ma-call-it and could he help me pretty please?

 I’d be damned if  he would.

“While I still have dignity, old man,” I said.

“Aw, c’mon,” he had the nerve to reply. “Kid, yer not perfect. Far from it.”

The wrench in my hand was slippery, smooth and brand new but I already ruined it. I sighed and then coughed out the air, heavy with smog and exhaust fumes. My shoulders shook as I squeezed my eyes shut tight with frustration when my headache began to restart. The pain killers didn’t work anymore and this was the third mechanism that week I hadn’t been able to be fix. Father would’ve been ashamed. No. Father would’ve been rolling in his grave right about then.

“This is my house.”

“Uh-huh,” he said, and my head snapped in his direction at the first sign of a mocking tone. When I glanced at him, he rolled his eyes. “Dis is yer father’s house. Ye ain’t nuddin’ but his half-assed heir. Ah always thought yer brudder shoulda been given it. A good, wholesome boy…”

“Oh-ho-ho!” I spat, tossing the wrenched across the room and stalked over to him. I wouldn’t be seeing that wrench in a while. “Dat’s rich comin’ from ye, ye ol’ blast’d geezer!”

My gloved finger was in his face before he had the time to push me back, but even then, I didn’t stop yelling as I stunted my fall with the corner of my desk and an air-bike. My finger still pointed at him, full of accusation and pent up fury at myself.

“Ye spen’ all me money off in dem pubs an’ still got da nerve to insult me in me own home!” I screeched. I quivered with rage when he laughed. “Wha’s so funny?”

“Ye like t’ talk in fancy Lowlander, but ye always go back t’ yer Highlander roots, dunt ye?” he said and smirked as I bit back my usual pout. “Think yer better dan me, but ye ain’t.” His smirk widened. “An’ Ah still think yer brudder shoulda been given it.”

“My brother,” I seethed in careful Lowlander, “didn’t want this mess. My brother wanted his pretty little job as Minister of Highland Finances and the Grand Minister’s personal pet. While my brother sits grand and nice, I slave here, unwanted and unappreciated, desperately trying to keep my father’s sinking business afloat…” I glared at him when his smirk faltered, “…desperately trying to make sure you stay employed so you have enough money to waste at the local brothels and taverns.”

He shook his head and heaved a tired breath of air, full of fake exasperation and wisdom he didn’t have. I sighed and laced my fingers together to cover my face with them as I moaned. I could feel every muscle in my body cry out for rest, reprieve, but instead I picked up a wrench like the one I threw—a fool move. It was a little rusted, a bit bent…but I fell to my knees and restarted working on the incubator.

A sharp edge snagged my finger and I watched blood pour from a gash in my skin when a bolt scratched my arm. Thick and dark, it slid down my arm as I held it up from the machine and jumped to my feet. If things had been going better I would’ve just wrapped a bandage around my arm to stop the bleeding and then finished what I’d been doing, but things weren’t going better. Everything was going wrong, and this small injury was my Godsend out of that pit of smoke and reminders of my recent shortcomings.

I raced up the stairs, pulling off my leather gloves to stretch my brown hand stained with black smudges and pushed the door open. My father’s workshop was a nightmarish wonderland, with metallic mechanisms puffing and whirring everywhere and tools scattered over every surface. The house was a whole other world, with new rules and a robot huffing smog and clean air out of its holes that told me to please take my boots off.

“This is my house, Hala,” I complained, pulling them off so she could take them and hold them off at arm’s length. “And if I don’t mind tracks of oil, you shouldn’t either. I built you.”

Hala had been crap when I built her. In fact, she had been unisex with a bunch of bugs and little ticks that once nearly got me killed. Father fixed those and gave her ‘upgrades’, but the gravitation towards the female gender was something neither of us had foreseen. I’d always thought of her as more as a butler-bot than a maidroid.

“As you say, Mistress,” she buzzed, but I knew she didn’t mean it. “It would be exquisite if you found it right to bathe yourself afore supper.”

I watched her roll away with my boots and sighed. Hala never did believe that I made her. As far as she was concerned, Father was her Father too, and I was just the clueless brat she was stuck with.

“Oh, rubbish,” I said, and yowled when my foot smarted from kicking the side of a counter. “Alder take you!” I yelled at it, and stormed out of the room before my stupidity could catch up with me.

This was not my day. I pulled open the old doors leading into the kitchen and frowned.

“Rubbish,” I muttered when I saw them there, all sitting around the table I ate at and then I frowned at Berel when she winked at me. “Out of my house, now, I’ve…I’ve had a long day and I don’t need you rift raft making it longer.”

“Cripes,” a blond lad I’d never said before hissed. “This isn’t Parva, is it?”

My frown deepened. What was with them?—bringing these verdans into my house? We were practically rebelling against their empire and there they were, bringing an unstable ally into my home. My home, that was one of the housing of the most prominent of all the kara Districts, where two generations of radical rebels once lived, the one most likely to be watched by verdans.

“Goddess, sweetheart,” Berel clucked, grinning. “Is this any way to speak to a Minister’s son?”

“I don’t care for Ministers and my brother’s one,” I said, giving him the evil eye, “so don’t think that’ll impress me anyway.”

“She’s the head of Aari House?” he asked, and I rolled my eyes, pulling myself up to stand taller.

“I am Parvati Aari, the great inventor Ishan Aari’s eldest, sister of the Minister of Finances. Who are you?”

I glared at Berel when she moved up to stand beside me but she only smirked in response and moved her arm. I didn’t know what she was going to do, but not in a mood to take chances, I swatted her hand back down and turned to blond boy. Gods, he looked smug, with his light eyes and sun kissed skin. Yes, sun kissed, as if a tan was too dark for the high and mighty likes of him and to keep with perfect verdan looks, he just sort of let the sun peck him on the cheek before he pushed her away.

“I am,” he replied puffing up his chest comically to mimic me so that the three other lads guffawed and Amala—the whore—giggled, “Dermot Raimus, son of the Grand Minister of War.”

He gave Amala a winning smile and she blushed under her tanned, mixed race skin. I scowled.

“Oh? And why have you graced my humble home with your presence?”

I didn’t take in what we were both wearing. It would’ve been too depressing to take in his freshly pressed clothes, vivid and silky, and then compare it to me in my grayish green jump suit zipped open to reveal a grease soaked t-shirt that was once white. Now, it clung to me the color of a drunk’s piss.

Dermot stood to his feet, to be the perfect gentlemen and gave me a shallow bow before he waited for me to give him a—probably deep—curtsy in return. I did no such thing. I gave him a curt nod, folded my arms under my chest, and ignored the aghast look Amala shot me. She had no right to judge me, in her short dress and cheap, themed jewelry. She looked like a trollop, sitting there in my pristine kitchen, fresh from being the epitome of a stereotypical kara street walker. The nerve of her, not even half kara and mocking us. He shrugged off my gesture with a good natured laugh and a muttered comment to Gotam who quickly chuckled in response.

Traitorous bastard.

“Why,” he said, “your dearest brother, of course.”

“Of course,” was all I said, and I knew my eyebrows were twitching along with the corner of my right eye.

Berel who was, sadly, my closest of friends, spoke up then. “You should listen t’ ‘im, Parva.” She smiled, the smile that had gotten Gotam and her soon to be husband to love her, and nudged me in the ribs.

The smile that once made Gotam take a bullet for her, the smile that once made Amala pause, but what she didn’t understand was, I was neither Gotam, Amala, nor her beloved Gregory. I only scowled down at her and tossed a piece of greenish brown hair from my face.

“I thought that was what I was doing, Berel,” I snapped back, and then turned my gaze on him. He, unlike Berel, didn’t so much as wince. “What about my brother?”

“He needs you, Parvati.”

I frowned at him, fingers sinking deeper into my flesh, and tilted my head to the side in the hopes that he was shown a new angle of rage.

“My brother’s never needed me before.” I glanced at Berel, who was leaning away from me and then at Gotam just in time to see his glare directed at—surprise, surprise—me. “What makes now different?”

“You know, I would feel better about this if it were not for our audience.”

“Then, call them off.”

He raised a fine eyebrow to me and raised two back. “But, they are your companions.”

“My companions who have let a pest into my home,” I replied, and leaned against a nearby counter, actively in the process of ignoring the dirty looks Berel gave me once she recovered. “Let the pest call them off.”

It was always the same with her. I would say something rude or mildly unkind and she would go off into a pouting fit where some knight in shining armor—Gotam, in this case—become defensive of their damsel in distress against the big bad dragon. Then, suddenly, the terrified princess would recover and the pleasure of having a few mad bitches on my hide would be bestowed upon me.

Sometimes, just sometimes, it got on my nerves.

“Berel, Gotam, Amala, the rest…get out.”

“You, madam,” one of Gotam’s friends said as he sauntered out, “are a shrew.”

“No,” I replied before he left. “I’m a bitch.”

Dermot laughed, and I rolled my eyes.

“Spit it out, then.”

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I hope this was scary enough.

chocoholic8's picture

I hope this was scary enough.

1st para, 2nd sentence:  "It

1st para, 2nd sentence:  "It was a long, slick metal slap with straps keeping her down"  -- This sentence is awkward because of the structure.   As you have it, the sentence relies on a weak verb ("was").  I'd revise to something like:   A long, metal strap kept her immobilized on the table.     "Immobilized" is a much stronger verb than "was".   Also, not sure what "slap" referred to in your sentence.  Possible typo?

1st para, 4th sentence:  "The woman was staring at me with wide eyes as he cut the incision down her flat stomach."   Same problem.   Revise to:  The woman stared at me, wide-eyed, as the doctor cut an incision down her flat stomach.    In such a short piece, you really need to pay close attention to your verb choice.   Stay away from "is" and "was" as they're the most common verb in the English language and consequently, the most boring.

2nd para:  "We’d done this so many times before. " This is a narrator note, but it doesn't actually tell us that much about the narrator.  "So many times before" is vague and could be literal or hyperbole; since it's the 2nd paragraph, the reader doesn't have a strong enough impression of the narrator yet to know which it might be.  Because of that, this is kind of a throw away, which, in such a short piece, isn't good.

3rd para, 1st & 2nd sentence:   "
There was a bruise on her neck where he’d made me stomp on her voice box so she couldn’t speak. He’d have done it but he feared that he might put on too much wait and killed her, and that just wouldn’t do." -- "wait" should be "weight"; "killed" should be "kill".   Beyond the grammatical issues, this is problematic anatomically.  If you step on someone's neck you're, most likely, going to collapse their wind pipe causing them to asphixiate.   If you don't actually collapse their wind pipe, you're just going to knock the wind out of them for a few minutes until they can catch their breath again.  But they'd still be able to talk.   As a detail, this seems totally off to me.   These people have advanced medical equipment and knowledge...and they can't rig up a simple gag or just ignore her screams?  The whole stomping on her neck is really low tech and out of place.  There's got to be a better option.

4th para, 9th sentence:  "She started to struggle against her binds and tears were welling in her almond shaped amber eyes."  If she's going to struggle or engage in a dialogue, its got to be before they start cutting her open.   There's no way that someone who's beeing operate on without any sort of numbing agent or medication would stay conscious.   If the blood loss didn't kill her quickly, the shock would probably make her lapse into a coma/unconscious fairly quickly.   I imagine having your organs removed is one of those things that would make a woman snap.    Also in this paragraph, the dialogue isn't attributed to anyone and for a second I still thought it was the guy talking (either in third person about himself or about another guy called "the master").   Inserting a ", I said" would clarify that.

10th para, 2nd sentence:  "Her eyes widened and then she slumped back, eyes rolling into the back of her head. "  This is awkward.  You mention "eyes" twice; I'd condense this down.   "Her eyes widened then rolled back in her head.  She slumped back."   Consequently, if she's strapped to the table, how can she slump?   Shouldn't she be lying still?


Overall:  This is a scene, not a story.   There's no conflict here.  The woman has no means or hope of escape.  The "bad guys" are already getting what they want.  The characters are flat in that horror-movie way.  They seem evil simply for the sake of being evil, with no spark of humanity left in them. 

The idea behind it I'm not thrilled with either.  Trying to write a horror story like this and work in anything close to love is just a bit silly.  It makes the "master" character really cliche.   We've all seen and read this villian who seems to think and have values that are the exact opposite of the mainstream a thousand times before.  The narrator could be interesting, in an Igor sort of way, except she's apathetic and boring during the brief scene.  She doesn't contribute much beyond some basic background info and a few half-hearted reactions. 

For me, horror is never scary unless it rings true.  I can buy into goblins and ghosts and ghouls and evil SOB's, but not unless they're portrayed in a way that makes me think they might actually exist in my world. 



Remember, all that follows is a result of what you see before yo

copperdragon's picture

And are stricktly suggestions, and should be taken as such.
I actually agree With anowalk on a lot of points he has made.
He's also right about this being a scene, not a full story.
I do disagree about the love thing. However, I think with a little more back ground you could make this so much better. Such as why he loves this woman so much, that he wants to keep her around forever. Where's the why? I think it may make the story more believeable if you gave us a little more meat. I also disagree an=bout the cleche thing. I think It could be all your own, if you change a few little things and add more.
I'm also not convinced this is a woman, but I got that impression. It could be a man (the assistant).
I'm a conisuer of horror, so most things don't scare me. I didn't really feel it with this. The reason for that-Not enought detail. I'm not even sure where we are-
I would honestly like to hear about blood, guts, all that awesome stuff.
I found a couple spelling errors too. They are as follows:
Paragraph 2: wait/weight
#3 Typo he/head
Annies covered alot, but i have some issues with a few word choices.
He sighed and looked impassively down at the gaping hole Impassively this word doesnt fit, as it means cold, deviod of emotion. He loves this woman, right? Im trying to come up with something better....unimpressed, maybe? something along those lines.
I swallowed a (blanch) as he walked away and leaned closer to her / you what? held back my lunch or tried not to wretch might work better, or you could go with, tried not to puke or spew.
truggle against her(binds) and tears were welling in her almond shaped amber eyes. /should be bonds.
“You’re sick.” Who says this? The helper or the woman?
Well, thats about it. I would pick back over this, maybe give us more. But its a good start over all. I'll be cheaking out more of your stuff as time allows.
copper

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