Brynn rolled over onto her side and gazed upon the golden mountain of flesh snoring next to her. She sighed impatiently and rolled her eyes, closing them when her pupils touched the back of her eyelids. The sound of the ocean crashing on the beach woke her up a little while later. She sat up confused. He wasn’t there. She glanced over at the door to his master bath as she heard the water in the shower start up. Laughing she realized that it hadn’t been the waves that woke her up; it had been Mr. Ego flushing the toilet. After stretching and slipping into a periwinkle satin robe she grabbed her box of parliaments and stepped out onto the suite’s balcony. She placed a cigarette delicately between her swollen lips and lit it with her bubblegum pink lighter. Inhale. Exhale. The smoke drifted out of her perfectly shaped nostrils slowly killing her. She didn’t think twice though, and kept on sucking. Zoning out, she looked far past the rolling green of other wealthy folk’s yards to the white sand of the ocean below the cliffs. The vision of the crystal blue water and pristine white sand seemed to cleanse her.
She was shaken out of her daydreams by a knock on the sliding door.
“Hey sexy,” Mr. Ego slurred in his phony British accent, “What’re you doing already out of bed?”
He slid his arms around her tiny waist and pressed himself up against her. She felt his cock hardening against her ass so she pulled away to put her cigarette out in the ashtray.
He slid his arms around her tiny waist and pressed himself up against her. She felt his cock hardening against her ass so she pulled away to put her cigarette out in the ashtray.
“Hey, I was thinking about going down to the beach today, the water looks perfect.”
She looked into the blue eyes that made him younger and then realized he was naked and standing at full attention.
She gave him a look like, oh c’mon, and laughed inwardly at his five-incher.
She looked into the blue eyes that made him younger and then realized he was naked and standing at full attention.
She gave him a look like, oh c’mon, and laughed inwardly at his five-incher.
“Don’t you want me again, baby?” He cooed.
“Well, we could go down to the beach, I mean it really looks perfect out there today.” she said as she tossed him her silk robe to cover himself. At least she looked better naked.
“The water is always perfect, and you look fucking great, so how bout we give it another go?”
Practically begging, he groped her naked body and kissed her soft neck.
She sighed dramatically and pulled away from him, stomping back into the suite.
Practically begging, he groped her naked body and kissed her soft neck.
She sighed dramatically and pulled away from him, stomping back into the suite.
“I don’t want to stay in this room all day rolling around in the sheets again. I have to go down there. I ask you every day if you want to go down there and you refuse, oh so politely in your shitty accent.”
She yanked on a string bikini and continued to bitch.
“Seriously, I’m sick of it! I’m going down to the beach and I don’t give a shit if you won’t come!”
She shoved her toes into her flip flops and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
She yanked on a string bikini and continued to bitch.
“Seriously, I’m sick of it! I’m going down to the beach and I don’t give a shit if you won’t come!”
She shoved her toes into her flip flops and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
With beach chair and romance novel under arm she set up in a perfect spot near a middle-aged woman and her son.
It was sweltering in the sun, so after reading a bit she decided to go test out the water.
It was sweltering in the sun, so after reading a bit she decided to go test out the water.
Although the ocean was refreshing she still felt some tension. Perplexed, she turned around to look at the balcony to her room. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed that the teen that had been relaxing with his mother was approaching her.
“Hey” he said offering his hand, “I’m Cole”.
She waved shyly instead of taking his hand and stared into his deep blue eyes.
“Brynn” she replied.
“So, I haven’t seen you around here, are you staying with someone on the beachfront?” he asked casually.
“Yeah actually- just a weekend trip. This is my first time down at the beach though…” She trailed off.
“Oh…That’s too bad, the beach is always great.” he replied as they stood there awkwardly.
“Yeah so I've heard... you live around here?” She asked politely.
“Yeah, my dad owns a beach house, me and my mom come down on weekends. We haven’t been up to the house today though; my mom likes to stop at the beach first.”
“Your dad doesn’t go with you?”
Cole shook his head. “He works a lot.”
“Oh.” she replied nodding. “So which place is yours?”
He pointed to the house she had been staying in with her lover.
“Oh really?” She smiled, biting back a grimace.
The rest of her day was going to be just fabulous.
sorry about the formatting. i
There are a few punctuation
There are a few punctuation mistakes contained within this, so look into getting them ironed out.
Also, when Brynn smoke her Parliament (does anybody still smoke Parliaments?) the Inhale. Exhale. Is just unnecessary, so lose it. Also, the smoke drifted out of her perfectly shaped nostrils...? What's that supposed to tell us. I've never thought to consider nostril shape, perfect or otherwise. I think this is a detail we can safely lose. The whole description part of her smoking just seems out of place and really skippable. If you're trying to make a connection here between the pointlessness of smoking, deducing it as a slow suicide, you could do this much more subtely.
Also, don't use a number (5) in dialogue. It stands out like a sore thumb, the written number is the way to go here.
If you want to know if you should continue with it, then I think you need more detail and a longer smaple for that to be deduced.
Really?
You are kidding right? Harlequin ... reject? Perhaps an entry to the Bulwer-Lytton contest? This is pure tripe. Perhaps if there were additional chapters it might put the notion into perspective ... but I cannot imagine a worthwhile place for this to go ... the mechanical errors notwithstanding ...
James ~!
I have to say, housedad, this
Too Harsh.
Insulting? Yes, I apologize for that.
The advice is there, tho - write a couple of chapters, see where it is going before posting.
well
k... posted. Hack away at
Can’t ...
I have already been reprimanded for that ;o)
But I would like to ask you a couple of questions:
A). What is the uniqueness of this story? (The characters, the plot, the mood, the setting?)
B). What is the hook? What makes this a compelling read for your audience?
ehh idk. im just lousy at
im just lousy at this i guess
like honestly, i wrote this
No ...
That is not the point ... the earlier harsh review was supposed to be challenging, but clearly it was over the top.
Those are the questions I always ask of myself and my work, particularly for short stories ... The answers usually help guide the writing process ...
well damn, if you hated it,
the version i sent to him had to be 500 words. i added some to this to make it better lol
Makes a difference ...
Ok that makes sense; being forced into a topic or standard limits one’s creativity ... and changes the perspective. As a class project I’d probably give it a B- as a creative project I would give it an incomplete ... if that makes sense....
jfx
PS: Like?
wow. irony. i submitted this
and if you would give it an
Ironically
If your teacher believes this is good enough to publish then clearly my assessment was wrong ... don’t change a thing. G’luck.
jfx
Ok, so I know it's supposed
Ok, so I know it's supposed to be a short story, but it really does need a little more meat. The girl apparently doesn't like her older lover, and it's a little difficult to get the fact he's older except and she's younger except by the one sentence you have about his eyes making him look younger. So why's she there? Did she meet him at a club and end up at his house, does she know he's married and has a son? Have they been having an affair for a long time now?
Also, you might want to think about carrying it a bit futher, short story or not and let us know what's your character going to do now? She's just found out this guys wife and son are here and the house she's been staying at for a week is where they're going to be staying as well. She's basically busted.
And I agree with previous comments on fixing your spelling and grammar. For instance, Parliments should be capitalized as it's the brand name.