Hummer

This is a short  I did up recently. It has a bit of a poetic leaning but I think of it as prose. The Idea came when the storm hit and I just keind of went with it.

That its a really primal representation of the storm.
But I would use a different god than Thor, especially when describing the ancient warriors. I'm not familiar with any native american thunder gods with the exception of quesquatal (or however you spell it, hah) But I think they would fit better with your text.
What leads me to this assumtion of place is the word Palominos, which I belive were an old american plains horse, much like the mustang.
This is a really hard story for me to critique. I see the poetry in motion, but sometimes it flows really fast and can be confusing to follow. I actually had to read it more than once to figure some things out....
You seemed to have missed punctuation in a lot of different places, but the question is, if you a comma or colon or someother thing where it belongs, would it become overbearing, or be too much?
Im not sure how to answer this question....so, lets try it:
Again, a flicker barely seen, but I stared into the darkness of the afterimage etching the ridge line across the valley into my mind once more. In a short time, the time it takes most people to change their minds(,) the flickers came more often (and {I would take this/ and/ out}) brighter. A wind came and tried to bully me from the hillside(,) blowing into my face hot and humid(-) pregnant with energy. Expectation flowed through me (with a promise{I wonder if just the word promising would work here...}) of cool and excitement. I eased myself down onto a stone bench(,) built out of the mountainside(,) (it{I would take out it}
]) was still hot from the day (an?) hour dead. The weight of it settled me a little(,) but the storm was coming faster now. I could feel the electricity seeping out of the dry ground and picked up by the wind.

See what I mean? I dont know if these suggestions would fix it, Im far from a punctation expert. Perhaps one of the other entrants may be able to answer this question better.
I know that the overuse of commas is a bad thing, but so is the underuse-Joe, like I said this is so hard to critique.
I found a spelling error-Foetal positon should be fetal position.
Paragraph one: Like me stuck in position waiting for something. This sentence seems incomplete, or like it should be a part of the sentence befor eit or something, Im not sure wich....
Shit, Im being very helpful tonight. lol.
I love some of the words you use to describe, Such as darkness became blackness, that was cool.
this is kind of what Im getting at with the punctuation thing:
The breath drawn came out with a noise like a snare drum roll starting soft as a hiss and raising to crescendo when the rain hit me full in the face thrown on a wind from some crazy heathen god.
Extremely long and complex, like your trying to describe too many thing that occuring at once to fast, like the narrator has to get it all out in one breath....
Heres another really long sentence:
This is serious, I could die but I remain calm it is too late to panic and those warriors would not panic I can here their yelps and whoops as they pass me by to return to history.
It is enough to light my path as I head for home full of humility but already writing and rehearsing the tales I will spin for the youngsters of my mountain village.
So, my main suggestion for this peice is not the story, but the flow and sentence structure.
Your title is odd-it made the story a lot different for what I had expected. I suggest no change to the title, hahaha.
So, its good, but its a little-off, I think some work would really add to this peice. I will think about this some more, and hopefully see if I can come up with some other helpful suggestion but I think I have covered what I got out of it here....
Grammar sucks. Its hard....

Thanks for the indepth review Terri. I am very new to prose and any help is good help but you are better than that by a galaxie or so.

As soon as I opened this, I was already thinking about the Smashing Pumpkins song of the same title.  You know, life's a bummer, when you're a hummer.  Anyway, that has nothing to do with anything.

Okay, let me get stuck into this then...
 

---

Paragraph 1:

Heat, too lazy to dissipate after the sun was gone, trapped in the valley by moisture from the river. Like me stuck in position waiting for something. The first flicker on the horizon outlined the mountains to the west so briefly it was almost illusion. I stood halfway up the shoulder waiting in the thickest part of the heat.

First sentence is very descriptive, then the second sentence is just fact.  It also seems isolated stuck there on it's own, like it's been orphaned, or added as an afterthought.  Integrating this into the first sentence would work best here, keeping it as part of the first descriptive narrative.  Perhaps:

Heat, too lazy to dissipate after the sun had set, trapped in the valley by moisture from the river, stuck in position, waiting for something, reminiscent of myself.

Sentence three could benefit from an added comma, so it becomes:

The first flicker on the horizon outlined the mountains to the west so briefly, it was almost illusion.

And sentence four, to become:

I stood halfway up the shoulder, waiting in the thickest part of the heat.

---

Paragraph 2:

Again, a flicker barely seen, but I stared into the darkness of the afterimage etching the ridge line across the valley into my mind once more. In a short time, the time it takes most people to change their minds the flickers came more often and brighter. A wind came and tried to bully me from the hillside blowing into my face hot and humid pregnant with energy. Expectation flowed through me with a promise of cool and excitement. I eased myself down onto a stone bench built out of the mountainside it was still hot from the day an hour dead. The weight of it settled me a little but the storm was coming faster now. I could feel the electricity seeping out of the dry ground and picked up by the wind.

This begins a little awkwardly for me, I just don't like the make up of the first sentence here, and will take a few minutes thought to suggest an alternative...

Okay, maybe something like this:

Another barely seen flicker, as I stared into the darkness of the afterimage, etching the ridge line across the valley into my mind, flashing through my eyes.

You are missing some punctuation within this, which renders some sentences long and meandering, and the words begin to stumble over each other.  It's nothing major, and just needs a little smoothing out.  I'll try to help where I can.  Let's take paragraph 2, sentence 2 as an example.

In a short time, the time it takes most people to change their minds the flickers came more often and brighter.

Like I say, nothing majorly wrong, but it needs that extra comma here (...people to change their minds(insert comma here) the flickers came...) I think you'll agree, that extra little pause, just makes it easier to read, and improves the flow.

For the rest of this paragraph, I'll just indicate with a * where I think commas should be placed, and any other possible corrections, or suggestions.

A wind came and tried to bully me from the hillside* blowing into my face* hot and humid* pregnant with energy. Expectation flowed through me with a promise of cool and excitement. I eased myself down onto a stone bench built out of the mountainside* it was still hot from the day an hour dead. The weight of it settled me a little* but the storm was coming faster now. (I think you should replace this full stop with a comma) I could feel the electricity seeping out of the dry ground* and being picked up by the wind.

 

---

 

 Paragraph 3:

Darkness became blackness very suddenly, the wind died away and then the sky lit up in sheets of power. I stayed very still heart racing in time to the light and noise. The storm was on me. For brief moments I felt I was one with the storm I began to sense a presence so wild and alien understanding could only come at base levels. Just then I saw Thor God of thunder fighting monsters above me their remains crashing into the mountain as they tried to overwhelm him. There came another moment of quiet, an in drawing of breath on a scale above my grasp.

I will say, so far, I like the overall feel of this piece, and mostly, it's been nicely presented.  It's not too overly dramatic, and you're painting a good scene here, mulitple brush strokes combining to create a layered effect.

I'll be honest though, I don't like this bit:

I stayed very still heart racing in time to the light and noise.

That stayed I don't know, it just sounds amatuerish, and you need another comma here too.  A simple swap of words would suit here.  So: I remained still, heart racing in time to the light and noise.

Okay, I'm going to take a break here, but will continue with this tomorrow, so check back if you look at this in the meantime.
And on we go...

For brief moments I felt I was one with the storm I began to sense a presence so wild and alien understanding could only come at base levels

This needs reworking, so let's have a little try at this.  There are three "I"'s very close together, which can seem a bit much, and also it's lacking to commas.  How about this?  I think the following reads easier.

For brief moments I felt as one with the storm, and began to sense a presence so wild and alien, understanding could only come at base levels.

Again, I'll finish this paragraph with * indicating comma placement.

Just then* I saw Thor* God of thunder* fighting monsters above me* their remains crashing into the mountain as they tried to overwhelm him. There came another moment of quiet, an in drawing of breath on a scale above my grasp.

---

Paragraph 4:

The breath drawn came out with a noise like a snare drum roll starting soft as a hiss and raising to crescendo when the rain hit me full in the face thrown on a wind from some crazy heathen god. The water hurt and was hot at first but changed to ice in moments. I shivered and laughed half crazy from fear and adrenaline. As the rain continued I basked in the luxury of shivers fingers stiff and nose running ignored in favor of the release from the gods forsaken heat.

Hmm, I don't know.  The first couple of words here feel very awkward, and the rest of the sentence is also extremely long, and devoid of punctuation.  If this was my piece, I would likely rework it thus:

The breath drawn came out with a noise like a snare drum roll, starting soft as a hiss, and raising to crescendo when the rain hit me full in the face, thrown on a wind from some crazy heathen god.

Crescendo is probab;y favourite word of all time.  Just the word itself sounds, in a way, dramatic.  Although raising to a crescendo is incorrect for me, it should be rising to a crescendo.

Final sentence of this paragraph will again benefit from some extra punctuation.  Something like this:

As the rain continued* I basked in the luxury of shivers* fingers stiff and nose running* ignored in favor of the release from the gods forsaken heat.

---

Paragraph 5:

I heard it before it came, a sound like a herd of buffalo stampeding through the night sky being chased by natives mounted on palominos. Toward the cliff where the women waited below, it was sure to feed the people for another season of white. As the noise grew closer I crouched in fear of being trampled and when I thought it could get no louder the real rain hit. The blow was physical it pounded me to my bench my body held in vise like fashion from the sudden impacts. Pain lanced out over my front and I instinctively curl into foetal position covering my head with my hands. Through laced fingers lit irregularly by lightning I can see that the hail stones are half a fist in size. I go soft and let the hail pound me focusing on protecting my head and allow my back to take the brunt.

An extra comma is required here, indicated by the asterix:

I heard it before it came, a sound like a herd of buffalo stampeding through the night sky* being chased by natives mounted on palominos.

Also the next sentence should be part of the first.  Actually, I'm not too keen on that whole part, so perhaps you should simply cut sentence two here.  It feels like you're trying too hard to create an image, when you've already painted the scene enough in the first sentence, so I would lean more towards simply deleting it.

And following on, we have a distinct lack of punctuation again.  You may think I'm really going to town on this part, but it's something that comes easier when it's really pointed out to you.  I like that you emply a lot of long sentences, I feel this technique adds an almost liquid flow to certain types of writing, but you've got to keep on with the shorter interval comma to keep it smooth.  Mel did an edit on some of my work, which was sent for submission to an agency, (still waiting for the reply), but it really helped me understand where I was lacking, so hopefully this will help you also.  Anyway, the punctuation, and where I see it needs adding, again * indicate commas.  The reason I'm employing *, instead of just adding the comma, is because this way it highlights it better:

As the noise grew closer* I crouched in fear of being trampled* and when I thought it could get no louder the real rain hit. The blow was physical* it pounded me to my bench* my body held in vise like fashion from the sudden impacts. Pain lanced out over my front* and I instinctively curl(ed) into (a) foetal position* covering my head with my hands. Through laced fingers* lit irregularly by lightning* I can (change of tense here.  Should this be could?) see that the hail stones are half a fist in size. I go soft and let the hail pound me* focusing on protecting my head* and allow(ing) my back to take the brunt.

Actually, as I read on, it becomes apparent that the rest of this has changed tense.  Is this purposeful?  You change in the middle of this paragraph, and then continue in the present.  You should either change tense at the beginning of the next paragraph, or change the tense of the whole thing.  It just feels awkward otherwise.  I can understand that you've built up to the moment, like a little history, but it's very abrupt.

---

Paragraph 6:

This is serious, I could die but I remain calm it is too late to panic and those warriors would not panic I can here their yelps and whoops as they pass me by to return to history. The noise diminished until all I could hear were my own whimpers of pain and fear. As I look up there is light. A moon the size of a saucer is just above the horizon and going down fast. It is enough to light my path as I head for home full of humility but already writing and rehearsing the tales I will spin for the youngsters of my mountain village.

Okay, sentence one is long winded, and contain word repitition, lack of punctuation.  I would take this apart, and maybe go with something such as the following:

This is serious, I could die* but I remain calm* it is too late to panic* and those warriors would not panic(split the sentence here, end it and begin a new one) I can here their yelps and whoops as they pass me by to return to history.

Within this next sentence, we have another tense shift, which I'm sure is no more than a simple mistake.  You're suddenly refering to a past event again.  So change it to whatever way you choose to, but it needs the change.  Either this single sentence, or the parts which are suddenly present tense.

The noise diminished(tense?)* until all I could(tense?) hear were(tense?) my own whimpers of pain and fear

The final sentence is another long one, and could use breaking up into more manageable chunks, we could go with:

It is enough to light my path as I head for home* full of humility* but already writing and rehearsing the tales I will spin for the youngsters of my mountain village.

Well, I hope this all helps.  It may appear that I've really got picky with this, and you may think, at first glance, I've found thousands of mistakes, but not really.  There are just a few things that need looking into here.

Thank you for your review of this Leland it means a lot. I am going to give it some polish in about a week or sooner. As I said I can write prose just need more skills to write it well. Having read some of your more poetic stuff I know you can ap[reciate some of what i tried to do with this.

Joe.

Heat, too lazy to dissipate after the sun was gone, trapped in the valley by moisture from the river. Like me stuck in position waiting for something. The first flicker on the horizon outlined the mountains to the west so briefly it was almost illusion. I stood halfway up the shoulder waiting in the thickest part of the heat.


I like the entrance to the scene with the first major defining factor of the story, the heat, it certainly lives up to it's expectations as the opening word. I use of lazy is a good term, as it summons up an image of a lethargic, sticky and humid heat, like a jungle or something, or ( I suppose more similar to the actual story) a brewing storm.

The introduction of the lightning ( at least thats what I think you mean) is suspenseful, leaves us hanging. However, I would suggest that the lightning is a more sudden appearance, perhaps coupled with the sudden onslaught of the rain, and that scene where the storm rides over the hills only contains something about the sounf of semi-distant thunder.

The line mentioning "Halfway up tot he shoulder in the thickest part of the heat" made little sense to me. Perhaps this is due (in part or in whole) to my ignorance, but I concede that my first thought was How can heat be thick?
Perhaps a reference to the humididy, or how the air was thick with latent moisture...






 

Again, a flicker barely seen, but I stared into the darkness of the afterimage [SPACE MISSING <] etching the ridge line across the valley into my mind once more. In a short time, the time it takes most people to change their minds the flickers came more often and brighter. A wind came and tried to bully me from the hillside blowing into my face hot and humid pregnant with energy.

"In a short time, the time it takes most people to change their minds the flickers came more often and brighter. A wind came and tried to bully me from the hillside blowing into my face hot and humid pregnant with energy." 
All I can say is- Awesome. The line -Pregnant with energy- is just the perfect sentence to capture the expectation and actual electricity in the air.


 

 

 

Expectation flowed through me with a promise of cool and excitement. I eased myself down onto a stone bench built out of the mountainside it was still hot from the day an hour dead. The weight of it settled me a little but the storm was coming faster now. I could feel the electricity seeping out of the dry ground and picked up by the wind.


I don't like the use of "flowed" with something so static as expectation. When I am expectant I feel jumpy, like something is about to burst out of my chest, but it is an oscillation, not a flow, so I would suggest a different word there.


 

 

 

Darkness became blackness very suddenly, the wind died away and then the sky lit up in sheets of power. I stayed very still heart racing in time to the light and noise. The storm was on me. For brief moments I felt I was one with the storm I began to sense a presence so wild and alien understanding could only come at base levels. Just then I saw Thor God of thunder fighting monsters above me their remains crashing into the mountain as they tried to overwhelm him. There came another moment of quiet, an in drawing of breath on a scale above my grasp.

"the wind died away and then the sky lit up in sheets of power." See this is where I would first introduce the lightning, not earlier.

The "heart racing in time with the light" is a perfect way to show how you, for the briefest instant, were one with this malevolent, yet benign being, real, yet ethereal.

I don't think Thor should be used ( I think Teri noted this) and I would give the reader a bit of credit to work out that thor is the God of Thunder, rather than spoon feeding them.

"There came another moment of quiet, an in drawing of breath on a scale above my grasp." Yes! this is the perfect personification of the tempest!

 

The breath drawn came out with a noise like a snare drum roll starting soft as a hiss and raising to crescendo when the rain hit me full in the face thrown on a wind from some crazy heathen god. The water hurt and was hot at first but changed to ice in moments. I shivered and laughed half crazy from fear and adrenaline. As the rain continued I basked in the luxury of shivers fingers stiff and nose running ignored in favor of the release from the gods forsaken heat.

Crazy doesn't seem to be the right word here. The cadence does not fit in a musical manner. It is like stiletto and boot, they don't fit into each others sentences.

"In favour of the gods forsaken heat" I have no idea what you mean there. I thought the rain was cold...

I heard it before it came, a sound like a herd of buffalo stampeding through the night sky being chased by natives mounted on palominos. Toward the cliff where the women waited below, it was sure to feed the people for another season of white. As the noise grew closer I crouched in fear of being trampled and when I thought it could get no louder the real rain hit. The blow was physical it pounded me to my bench my body held in vise like fashion from the sudden impacts. Pain lanced out over my front and I instinctively curl into foetal position covering my head with my hands. Through laced fingers lit irregularly by lightning I can see that the hail stones are half a fist in size. I go soft and let the hail pound me focusing on protecting my head and allow my back to take the brunt.

So these ghostly Natives are trying to drive the buffalo over the cliff right? So this herd will feed them for the winter. This is a strange interlacing of poetry and prose... very confusing in some places blatantly obvious in others...

 

This is serious, I could die but I remain calm it is too late to panic and those warriors would not panic I can here their yelps and whoops as they pass me by to return to history. The noise diminished until all I could hear were my own whimpers of pain and fear. As I look up there is light. A moon the size of a saucer is just above the horizon and going down fast. It is enough to light my path as I head for home full of humility but already writing and rehearsing the tales I will spin for the youngsters of my mountain village.


So thats it then? Cool, if a little anti-climatic. So one last end to be tied:

What is the title about? A car? The strange noises you like to make?



(A note to Copperdragon:

Foetal is the U.K. English of Fetal, and so can be accepted as correct, but I am unsure whether Canada uses U.K. English or American English...)

The thickness or thickest part of the heat is a fenom of mountains. It is rare that air is not moving in the mountains but it seems as though it is still most of the time. Heat rises but when on the bottom of where it is rising from what air do you feel moving? Half way up the shoulder of a mountain in some valleis like the one I live in it will be hotter than above or below some days especialy when and inversion is caused by an oncoming storm.

I just wanted to clear that up. I am glad you mentioned it as I should surely change it now as most folk live away from the mountains.

Actually I don't live that far away from the mountains, It's just that when people think of the Emerald Isle, they tend to leave out the fact that it is freezing-ass cold here.

Nothing like Canada, but a lot colder than England.

This feels very rough and unfinished. My problem is not with the stream-of-consciousness style, which is generally okay here, but I get the sense that your fantastical elements are very poorly developed and incomplete. The writing is agreeable, although you are missing commas in some places and your punctuation is lacking elsewhere. There is a prevalence of run-ons, some of which sound okay, but many of them make little sense at all.

The mention of "Thor" really took me out of the story. It just came out of nowhere. Also, the beginning of the last paragraph was really odd, being in present tense and apparently being an internal thought but without anything marking it as such.

I don't really know what else to say about this. The writing itself is mostly okay, but what's going on here doesn't add up to much. It just feels incomplete and rough.

This one needs votes, too, by the way. Aren't we using the votes to determine a winner?