Angle Side Angle

Honestly, I only like the last two lines of this. The rest just reads like one cliche after another.

If you are going to write about a well-worn subject such as a failed relationship, try to say something insightful and different. While I think most of can relate to what's expressed here, there's also nothing unexpected or unique about it. It just comes off as very typical of this kind of poetry. It doesn't stand out in any way.

Instead, I would suggest you start with the last two lines. Make those the beginning of the poem, and go from there. Discard everything else. If deception is the real theme you want to approach here, fixate on that.

A common problem I see in poetry of this nature is a desire to be broad and universal. Don't do that. Get down into the weeds and be specific. Dig into details. Paint a picture. A good poem forms a single, striking image in the mind of the reader. Building it as a series of images can be done, but is often ineffective and is usually done because the writer lacks the skill to truly flesh out a single idea.

What is this poem about, at the core? I think you nailed it at the end: deception. Write a poem about that. Get specific.

You definitely have potential, and I hope we can help you improve your craft!

 I definitely like this version better. However, the word you want here is "falsehoods," not "falsities" (I don't think the latter is a real word.)

I'm not sure the rhyming really adds anything to the piece--I don't think it's strictly necessary. It's good enough on its own without forcing rhymes at the end of alternating lines.

You're also doing that crazy sentence fragment thing again! Just take all the punctuation off the ends of your lines and you'll be fine. 

However, I want to stress that I like this version much better. I think it communicates your feelings substantially better, and doesn't have quite such a familiar feel as the last version. I am revising my score accordingly!

Good work!

Agree Rhyming tends to take away or soften a serious subject. This is good if you wish witty or tongue in cheek in re your subject other wise it can come off as a Dr Zuess looks at serious relations. (not saying dont, saying be aware of what can happen) I did not get to read the first version just the one that is here now I find it useful when it is a work of progress to leave the original versions on the book page so prior comentary and comparisons are possible. It allows a reviewer to see if you have already tried something and what effect it had on the work.

The piece is unfinished but so far:

"How far falsities can take you." This is awkward I dont care if you make up a word as long as it works Falsehood does not work here either. For my money reconstruct it something like this: 

False has taken you so far,
relying on that well lit smile. This is just to give you a picture of where my head is with this bit.

"Maybe hard work is better for some
But you have much more guile 
How very proud you must be.
Of your dashing silver tongue.
Taking a young girls innocence.
Sure, you sir, have won."

This part contains too many weak words staring a line in weakness is ok when you intend to give your words the down beat but when unintentional it beats down your message and the reader as well :) So instead of a CRASHendo you get a swirl of down the drain energy.
Weak words here are
Maybe
But
How
Of
Sure

Read this and see what I mean:

Hard work is better for some
You have much more guile 
Your pride I hear like silver 
from your slashing tongue.
Taken, a young girls innocence.
Sure, you sir, have won."

I changed the words a bit but the beginning of the lines are stronger even with the word "from" there.

Last thing is to try this with a stanza scheme this allows you to bring in an image explore it then with the break to go to another image related to the first or to flesh out the first, similar but not the same as paragraphs.


What a marketable skill, deception.    Here you intro the concept of deception
What a fantastic business, lies.
Beautiful untrue words
Are better than any disguise.

How far falsities can take you.                Here you intro a nebulous atagonist
Along with a well placed smile
Maybe hard work is better for some
But you have much more guile
 
How very proud you must be.                 Here you try to finnish and intro yourself as the victim of the antagonist
Of your dashing silver tongue.
Taking a young girls innocence.
Sure, you sir, have won.

Three four line stanzas give a natural palce to pause and savor the lines and not get lost now I can reread a stanza several times before tasting the next. It is reader friendly dont try or worry about stanzas until you finnish the body of text unless you find it helpful to do so.

I klnow this can seem invasive at times but dont take it that way my opinions are mine and I choose to share them with you. Take or leave them as you choose. Most important of all is never be afraid to play with the piece until you explore as many different ways to express the idea as you want there are no limits there.

I like the sarcasm and tongue-in-cheek style of this poem.

I think it flows very nicely and I like the fact that the rhyme is not too overbearing over the writing.

I do agree with Joe and the 'weak' words in the section outlined. By removing or replacing these, it would have far more impact.

What a marketable skill, deception.
What a fantastic business, lies.

Okay, fair enough, a good even couplet. I like that. Makes sense.  A little unimaginitive, but hey, don't mess with the classics.

Beautiful untrue words
Are better than any disguise.

There should be a comma after beautiful, nice use of enjambment, a little bit playschool in the rhyming words, but still, not too shabby. Perhaps you could find a better adjective than "better". Better is the "nice" of midsentence. Boo!

How far falsities can take you.
Along with a well placed smile

If you are going to punctuate, don't put a full stop after you, then don't put it after smile. This inconsistancy renders it grammatically erroneous. Think of it like prose, if you must punctuate. If it doesn't make sense as part of a bloc, it doesn't make sense in a poem either. Also, "falsities", not a word, and also a little weak. Use a metaphor. Like "veil", that's an old classic for deception.

Maybe hard work is better for some
But you have much more guile

Much more sounds horrible. Again with the playschool. New and differen't adjectives are needed! Be imaginitve! You have a whole language at your fingertips! The Saxons would be dissappointed at you wasting it, considering they spread it around so much. Also, another grammatical error, stemming fromt he full stop.

How very proud you must be.
Of your dashing silver tongue.

I can roll my tongue. Try talking about boasting instead of using proud. Or twist pride in, so that it isn't so obvious.

Taking a young girls innocence.
Sure, you sir, have won

Not exactly subtle, is it? But still, I'd leave this line be. Its powerful. Angry.