Introduction
Introduction
They say it's best to begin at the beginning. In my case, "The beginning of what?" seems like a good retort. Where do you begin telling the story of a man--yours truly--whose history spans thousands of years? Now that's a legacy.
I could start with my parents, the lunatic missionaries who cruised the galaxy spreading the message that Jesus was a powerful time traveler from the distant future. I'm not sure how the aliens they preached that to really took it, considering they didn't come back from their last trip.
I could tell you about the endless stream of stodgy old nannies and young, sexy, hopelessly unqualified babysitters that performed the major part of my "raising."
There's also my brother, Richard, who thought defecting to the enemy in the middle of a World War was a good idea. That's just the kind of guy he was: an idiot.
Since I don't know where to start, why not give you a brief summary of my early years?
I was born in East Chicago in 2050. I later found out the part of Chicago I was born actually consisted previously of a large lake. The wonders of civil engineering never cease to amaze me. Like I said, my parents--Jacob and Aikaterine--they weren't around much, spending most of their time trying to save the souls of species who'd probably have sooner devoured them than be proselytized. Generally oblivious to the fact that they had two sons who needed attention and guidance, I felt like an orphan long before their ship officially went missing.
By 2066, I'd become a typical, gawky teenager. I lived in what they called the Western Alliance at that time, and tensions with the Eastern Confederation were rising. At that age, though, the only rising I cared much about occurred in my pants. You can probably relate. My friends were June and Mark, the former of which died at the outbreak of the war, and the latter basically vanished not long after hostilities began. It took many years before I found out what became of him. Not long enough, my opinion.
The war itself--World War III, or whatever the historians of later eras wanted to call it--didn't last long, but it took its own toll on me, physically and mentally. I ended up losing 38% of my body to an enemy warhead. Hurt like hell, as you might imagine, at least until I passed out. I woke up with the missing parts replaced by cybernetic implements. I never remembered signing a consent form, but the military docs assured me that since I was an orphan and a minor, they could pretty much do whatever they wanted with (and to) me. I became military property, forced to serve in multiple wars--they wanted to see how well their new cybernetic technology worked, after all--and eventually proved myself competent at more than just killing people.
Glossing over a whole bunch of relatively boring history, I wound up commanding my own ship, the Protector. As the brass liked to keep me far away, presumably out of trouble, I ended up patrolling the border of an unknown region--some space our friends, the Oolians, warned us to stay out of.
Me not being the kind of guy to listen to a warning like that, things only started to get interesting when I tried to find out what they wanted us to stay away from.
That's "interesting" in the Chinese sense, mind you. Not good.
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Maxie! Awesome. I've always
Awesome. I've always been fond of him. :P
A few things.
"I'm not sure how the aliens they preached that to really took it, considering they didn't come back from their last trip."
I think you could rearrange that sentence better. It seems a little awkward.
"My friends were June and Mark, the former of which died"
Shuld be 'whom' not 'which'.
Other than that, wicked. MOAR, kthnx.
i like it! i want to know
(No subject)
Now I'm seriously curious.
In fact it's the sort of curiosity that means I will leave right now, and go and find out waht happens.
Byee!
I hope you enjoy it!
I like
Pythia is right about those two sentences, they are a little akward. other than that i think its pretty engaging.......
Erm... ok, so I'm giving this
Feel free to ignore it.
Ok, I want to know more about his teenageness... what is a "Typical gawky teenager"? Examples?
Aaand..erm... ok, maybe why his parents didn't pay much attention. But you could be doing something with that.
And I've never heard the phrase in the last line before... why is it Chinese?
Sorry.
Thanks for the advice...
Also, the Chinese thing is from an old curse: "May you live in interesting times." It's not a good thing, by "interesting" they mean "tumultuous/unpleasant."
Good Start ...
Overall a good read. It has a conversational flow to it - was that the intention?
Even so, I am not sure about the "yours truly" line in the opening.
The rest of this is just nitpicking (not ball-busting) challenging you as an editor, not a critic ...
*Stodgy* = dull, unimaginative or prim, pompous is this the idea you want to convey as in both?
*Raising* I think Rearing is a better word choice ... again I think - just another opinion.
The first line is ok standing alone ... the next bunch should be a single paragraph ... (but I do like long paragraphs).
Brother’s name/parents’ names - if they are not relevant to the story line I would drop them... if they are, I would consider adding them later as they become relevant. They go not seem important at the beginning and trying to remember names annoys readers.
The same goes for the dates (more so the *2066* no, you do not want your reader having to do math but is the exact date necessary? - obviously I have not read the whole thing:)
In the same paragraph *at that time* is redundant as this is historical musings.
Names again, thrusting it into the conversation is unsettling. You wrote *My friends were June and Mark...* I’m thinking rewording, losing the *were* and softening *friend* with I ran with or some other slanging expression (posse is a poor choice but something similar, perhaps).
38%, must it be so precise (I know he is part cyborg) but if this is to be conversational, more than a third of my body would probably flow better ...
Anyway ... good stuff ... the above is editing, not critiquing ...
I have laid that out here along with "I think..." "My opinion" etc. so I probably won’t do it with anymore of my feedback... you’ll know where I am coming from ...
jfx
No problem, any thoughts on
The names and dates are important, otherwise I wouldn't include them. The "introduction" is really optional, though, and I may rewrite it completely.
PS
I gave it a 3 but it was better than that. But, I cannot call it great until I see where it leads...
Oh and I would suggest you not consider any of these possible revision now...
You answered before I posted this, so yes good thinking.
Important, ok, but so important now? If you reference this again several chapters or even parts later... I will have most likely forgotten ... [That is a reader’s critique, not a writer’s or editors’ :]
Good point, maybe I can save
Haha, the thing about Jesus
Haha, the thing about Jesus is great at the start here. It'd be cool if it was true,
I like the telling of the story of the early years is very well done.
As an introduction, this is good and intrigueing, whcih is obviously what all beginnings should be.
I agree with Housedad that the -yours truly- part should be dropped, it's just out of place.
The stuff you write is always very polished, and accomplished. The flow is nice, nothing awkward there. If you decide to rewrite this and not completely drop it, I think it could use more detail. It could stand to be longer, the brief summary of the early years, is extremely brief.
It's just me, of course, but I dislike the phrase "wound up", as in 'I wound up commanding my own ship'. That's only personal choice, but it's the only real criticism I can find here. Oh yeah, just this:
Me not being the kind of guy to listen to a warning like that, things only started to get interesting when I tried to find out what they wanted us to stay away from.
This doesn't sound right to me. It jumps from a declaration about the character to an action awkwardly. Perhaps...
Not being the kind of guy to listen to a warning like that, I disregarded it, and things only began to get interesting after trying to find out what they wanted us to stay away from.
Perhaps not the best rewording there, but I hope you get what I mean.
As the top dog behind this site, you always set a good example for others to follow. People who are looking for some guidance and ideas on how they should present and write their work could do a lot worse than reading your stuff and implementing some of your ethics. Praise indeed.
Thanks, Leland! I really