Chapter 1: The Encounter
Space travel doesn't quite work the way it used to. In the early days--the latter half of the twentieth century--you had simple rockets. That was pretty much it. You applied enough thrust to escape gravity. Going anywhere near a fraction of lightspeed was unthinkable except in the annals of science fiction. Warp drive, hyperdrive, sleeper ships, relativistic vessels, wormholes... yeah, people had a million ideas for how humans might one day travel distances that would normally take several lifetimes to cover.
As it turned out, someone had done most of the work for us. Not far into the twenty-first century, some strange properties were discovered in certain areas of space. One such area was near the edge of Earth's solar system. We soon detected others via telescope. Describing them accurately would require a lot of math, something that--despite my cybernetic processors--I was never too good at and never liked much anyway.
See, they're called "fold vectors" or "FVs." Created eons ago by the first sentient race to spread across the galaxy, they allow instantaneous travel from one point to another. Each fold vector is connected to one or more other fold vectors. With the right equipment, you can generate a field to activate a nearby fold vector and send yourself (and whatever happens to surround you, such as a ship) to another fold vector. It's a little like a wormhole, and a little like folding space. I leave the deeper details to the experts, of which I am most definitely not one.
The problem with FVs is that nobody knows where they all are. The Idaltu built them, and all the complete maps died with them. So, each race to ascend since has had to create their own maps, by sending ships through fold vectors and figuring out where they emerged, then hoping they can come back through the same FV (sometimes you can't.) The Oolians and their allies tend to be kind enough to share their maps with each other. That's how we puny humans got ours. It would have taken decades to map out the hundreds of FVs we now know about thanks to the maps.
What this all means is that, to control access to a given region of space, you have to monitor its fold vectors. Unwelcome visitors, you blast to pieces as soon as they appear. There are also some substances that can temporarily "foul" a fold vector. Outlaws have a habit of using them to avoid police pursuit, but the military applications are fairly obvious, too. There is no known way to completely destroy a fold vector. Were such a thing known to be possible, everything that follows might have been avoided.
February 12th, 2098. I, Captain Robert Maxwell, commanded the USS Protector, operated under the auspices of the Interstellar Space Exploration Administration, an arm of the government of the Terran Alliance. ISEA was really a huge bureaucracy--bigger than pretty much any other part of the Alliance government. It managed the vast swath of territory humanity had claimed, though it is more accurate to say the Oolians tolerated us saying "this space is ours, please stay out." My ship, you couldn't call top-of-the-line. Maybe ten years ago, that would have been apt. These days, it felt a bit long in the tooth, and the looming launch of the new Orion-class ships had me feeling like a bit of a relic. Forty-eight years old, commanding a ship the brass generally considered an afterthought, with a crew of mid-tier misfits the higher-ups thought were suitable for long-term deep space assignments, I felt like someone had tossed me into a raging river without a life jacket. "Don't worry, you'll be fine," they said. "Nothing ever happens out that way. The Oolians just want someone to keep an eye on it, an early warning system."
"What am I supposed to warn them about?" I asked during my briefing.
"Anything unusual," was their vague response.
Really, what's "unusual" in space? My cosmological specialist could talk my ear off for days about the properties of any region we ventured into, how special and unique it was. I always had to keep myself from yawning.
So, with their vague orders, we patrolled Jacob Sector. Named after my father, as I understood it. It figured. Their ship, the Good News, disappeared from this region about twenty-four years previously. The end result of that was the Oolians marking a bunch of FVs in this sector "Do Not Use" on our official maps. Real helpful. They refused to elaborate on why we shouldn't use them. It turned out they had good reasons for that, but I was never the type to take "no" for an answer, especially when it was for my own good.
That day, three weeks into our patrol mission, one of the FVs--a "Do Not Use" one--lit up on our scanners. Collins, my tactical specialist, looked a little panicked. "Sir, we've got something coming in on a red FV. Uhh... it's not ours."
Poor guy never had seen combat. His cybernetics--patterned after mine, believe it or not--were implanted voluntarily. He once thanked me for "blazing the trail," for proving the stuff could work, that a human body wouldn't shrivel up and spit out every last piece of technology attached to it, if it was cared for properly. I really wanted to tell him to fuck off, but dammit, the kid was sincere. I laughed a little, thanked him, and a few years later, the request for a transfer to my ship came in. I approved it, naturally, figuring I could count on him to do my bidding without question. It didn't quite end up being that simple, but he made a good addition to my crew, nevertheless. I just hoped I wasn't there the first time someone took a shot at Lieutenant Collins. He had "potential headcase" written all over him.
Those fears surfaced as Collins tried to parse the scanner readings from the "forbidden" FV. He didn't know what was going on, and neither did I. The Oolians gave us ship profiles for every species they knew about, or so they said. This one triggered a specific but odd response in our computer: "HOSTILE SHIP. IMMEDIATE RETREAT ADVISED." These words flashed, bright red, at Collin's face. He looked across the bridge at me. "It says we should retreat."
"Retreat? Are you kidding? It won't even ID the ship?"
He shook his head. "It claims not to have any details, just that we should run."
"Which is exactly why we aren't going to," I said, adding an authoritative tone to my voice. No, we weren't going to run. We were there to monitor unusual activity, and by God, this was damned unusual. I wasn't about to head back to base with nothing more than, "some weird ship popped up and we split."
I activated the console in front of me, getting a visual read on the ship. It looked nothing like anything the Oolians told us about. The thing about most ships is that, regardless of species, you could normally identify the significant features: support craft bays, engines, weapon emplacements, things like that. This one had the form of a sphere covered in long, deadly-looking spikes. It had a crystalline quality to it, and glowed internally. Even without visual enhancement, it was plenty bright. Ambient power readings went beyond most everything in our records. Only an Oolian Cruiser seemed like an even match to this ship. Suffice it to say, this beast projected power. It wasn't enough that the ship was dangerous--it deliberately wanted to appear so. Something was innately aggressive and hostile about it.
I turned to Rydia Arnold, communications tech. The Oolians gave us some pretty good translation technology, enough to (they said) muddle through even a first contact scenario without much trouble. "Please tell me they are hailing," I pleaded.
She shook her head. "They're ignoring our automatic greetings, too. I don't think they want to talk."
"Of course not. That would actually be helpful. Tactical, let's put up a defensive posture... limited weapons, charged armor." I called her "Tactical" because I really, really hated saying "Starsmyth-Kennedy." No, I mean it. Such a mouthful. It drove me insane. Why did I ever accept someone with a name that long when I knew full well I'd have to blurt it in the heat of battle to issue orders? Sooner or later, I'd probably start calling her "Tac," just out of laziness.
She stood there, steely and unshaken, working the computer to carry out my orders. Deep down, I admired her resolve. I wondered if dangerous situations didn't really bother her at all, or if it was just a very effective front. With me, there was always alarm, just beneath the surface. I'd been in enough firefights and enough hostile situations to know when the shit was going to hit the fan. My heart palpitated, quite annoyingly, as if I needed to be reminded this situation was not good, threatened to go completely out of my control, and jeopardize the hundreds of people for whose lives I was directly responsible.
The ship glowed even brighter for just a moment--you could almost call it a flash--and one of its sharp spines rapidly ejected, making a beeline for my ship. If their vessel design left little room for ambiguity, their weapons might as well have been billboard advertisements. THESE ARE SHIP-KILLING SHARDS! THEY WILL KILL YOUR SHIP!
Oh, I got the message loud and clear. "Get us the hell out of here! Seriously! Now!"
The ship took a moment to cycle up its FV drive, and we were gone. I imagined the shard soaring through the empty space my ship had occupied only seconds before. I got a tiny bit of satisfaction from it, but really, I was disturbed. Who were they? What did they want? Why did they show up and start shooting at an obviously inferior enemy?
The Oolians would be called to account. I wanted to make sure of that.
Chapter 1
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An intriguing
I'll be waiting for more chapters.
Maxie shcmaxie, weee! Good
Good chapter. I do think that it needs a little tweaking in place - you used th word 'map' a whole lot in that fourth paragraph.
Otherwise, nice work. :)
This is really interesting.
Yeah, he's supposed to be.
It made me laugh! And I'm
Well, thank you! I am trying
The main character is pretty cool...
This was a good chapter i liked it, I'll have to make sure ot read moreof this.
I like. The premise for space
Hope you keep going with this,
Joe
Thanks, Joe. Part 1 is
Part 1 is actually complete, which encompasses the Koraxian War. It's about 52,000 words, so not terribly long. However, there are 12 parts planned. I get into other genres besides space opera with this!
As far as being looked after by the Oolians--we didn't have much of a choice in the matter. Earth was in bad shape after WW3 and the Oolians offered to help clean it up. Since they're everywhere already, we couldn't go anywhere without running into them. Basically, they try to protect all the "minor races" from the Koraxians and, to a lesser extent, the Dor'Tel.
Good follow up..
The voice and mood is consistent. Has a real sci-fi not window dressing. Compelles me to read on ...
Idea: This reads best as a voyeuristic view, sort of eaves dropping ... You do not do if often, but I would avoid if possible using YOU at the reader, e.g.
*My ship, you couldn't call top-of-the-line*
"No one with even a hint of engineering knowledge would call my ship top-of-the-line ..."
Or something to that effect. More absurdity, less contact.
Again well done. Deserves more than 3 by itself, but need to see if it qualifies for great ...
jfx
Robert "breaks the fourth
Again, very good stuff. This
Again, very good stuff.
This is not really my chosen subject area for reading, but this just reads so well, it's difficult to not read it.
You possess a great imagination and also include things to make what you say more factual.
I got a tiny bit of satisfaction from it, but really, I was disturbed.
'tiny bit of satisfaction' frankly sounds crap. I feel it should be replaced with 'I derived a small amount', it just reads better. There are a couple other little examples of things like that in there, so perhaps you could smooth those out.
One more:
Even without visual enhancement, it was plenty bright.
That 'plenty bright' bit sounds really lame within the text. It sounds kind of lazy and colloquial, as if you couldn't think of another way to describe, so you just gave up and went with this.
This holds a very conversational tone to it, sometimes as if we are personal friends being told this story. It's a great tactic. I spotted one strong swear word here, the word fuck. I think you should remove it and replace it with something less obscene. It doesn't feel right in context with the rest of the text, it feels like it jumps out at you, slaps you in the face and retreats, leaving you stunned. A lot of the time, swearing outside of speech is unneccesary and should be avoided.
The way you begin to explain details here, but avoid delving too deeply into them is good as well. You're protecting the reader from having the trawl through technical details, something that can become boring and redundant.
Overall, very good work again. Just little niggly things to sort out here, things that an editor or proof reader would pick up on. I don't think you need to be too nit-picky right now, and even in its current format, this is submission-worthy as a read. You do revert into short, punchy sentences a lot within this. They sound too bang - bang - bang at times, so a change of punctuation would help in some places, creating longer sentences, more of a flowing passage would help in places.
Have I started to ramble and lose the point yet?
Good, good stuff. I'm going to continue to read through this, probably slowly, but I'll get there,
I don't really like the idea
If it is a stationary object it also needs some sort of thrust capacity or the simple launching of its weapons will send it spiralling off course.
I haven't read enough to go further than this.
I try to avoid describing the
In the case of Koraxian ships, they are massive crystalline structures built out of tapered spires in a more or less spherical arrangement. The ships are built out of the excretions of the Koraxians themselves, meaning the actual vessels wind up with biological interfaces. The combined bioelectric energy of the crew provides propulsion through spatial field manipulation. A similar but distinct mechanism is used to activate fold vectors.
Koraxian technology is quite weird by virtue of the Koraxians themselves being genetically-engineered beings of their own design. They've also been at this for tens of thousands of years. They know what they're doing.
In all honesty, this is one of those things you aren't expected to think much about. It's not about their ships or technology but rather what motivates them.
kewl beans
This is why my universe has
I do like the fact that their
Since you asked here I am.
Seriously, here's my critique for what it's worth. I really enjoyed it. It's a good read, flows nicely, reads like a novel which is nice.
I would change this:
Combine this paragraph with the one under it. It makes my brain hurt. Very confusing.
As it turned out, someone had done most of the work for us. Not far into the twenty-first century, some strange properties were discovered in certain areas of space. One such area was near the edge of Earth's solar system. We soon detected others via telescope. Describing them accurately would require a lot of math, something that--despite my cybernetic processors--I was never too good at and never liked much anyway.
I would say something like:
As it turned out, someone had done most of the work for us. Not far into the twenty-first century, some strange properties were discovered in certain areas of space, called "fold vectors".....
And here, please someone correct me if I'm wrong, I am far from perfect (GOD KNOWS), but I believe it should look more like this. However, I do find it a strange placement for why you call her that in the middle of an action scene. However, it really doesn't distract from how well I like it.
"Of course not. That would actually be helpful. Tactical, let's put up a defensive posture... limited weapons, charged armor."
I called her "Tactical" because I really, really hated saying "Starsmyth-Kennedy." No, I mean it; such a mouthful. It drove me insane. Why did I ever accept someone with a name that long? When I knew, full well, I'd have to blurt it out in the heat of battle to issue orders. Sooner or later, I'd probably start calling her "Tac," just out of sheer laziness.
The Idaltu (cool name) built
So, each race to ascend since(,) has had to create their own maps, by sending ships through fold vectors and figuring out where they emerged, then hoping they can come back through the same FV (sometimes you can't.)
I think this sentence is too long, try separating into 2 or more.
I agree with pythia, the word maps is used to often in this 4th paragraph.
February 12th, 2098. Up to this point you were doing really good, but the segway was a little weird. Maybe you could end it there and start a new chapter or something before you get into the next part. And then start it with this date.
Maybe ten years ago, that would have been apt. (I would try a different word here. Apt doesn't seem to fit in, it makes it sound a bit abrupt. Try it like this: Maybe it would have been apt, ten years ago or so. But then maybe not, IDK)
That day, three weeks into our patrol mission, one of the FVs--a "Do Not Use" one--lit up on our scanners. try: marked "Do Not Use" instead, I think it'll sound better.
Poor guy(,) never had seen combat. had never? the emphasis on this is missplaced I think. Either a coma or a reversal will fix it though.
This one triggered a specific(,) but odd response in our computer:
I turned to Rydia Arnold, (my) communications tech (technician).
That would actually be helpful. ('That would be too easy'. sounds more Captain-like)
No, I mean it. Such a mouthful. (nice,but could be one sentence)
With me, there was always alarm, just beneath the surface. (sweet. reminds me of Kirk on the edge of his seat.)
"Get us the hell out of here! Seriously! Now!" the word Seriously! isn't really necessary here.
I wanted to make sure of that. unless he doesn't actually get to accomplish this, 'wanted to' should be replaced w/ 'would'.
I think this is a very fast paced opening to our hero and his story. I like the fact that he speaks to the reader before he gets into the story itself. But the separation needs to be exagerated a little more.
As a writer, I personally, would have a hard time keeping up the pace you've set here, but there is plenty of room to slow down later. This is a really nice scene.
I also like the Races names. And Starsmyth-Kennedy is kind of a cool name too, but it is a mouthful. I like how you pointed that out, but still admired the character she played.
Your man is at the top of his game, at least for his age, and I really like that in a lead character. I think you should read through this with all of the input you've got so far. I think you'll see that you've got a great idea here, and one can always build on great ideas. I look forward to reading the rest of this.